Your colleague has a fever, a packed calendar, and no intention of missing your 2 p.m. meeting. They make all of this clear as they plop down next to you in that stuffy conference room with a door someone has helpfully just closed. You’re less impressed by their work ethic than concerned about spending the next hour breathing the same air—yet saying something makes you feel like the rude one.
Should you suggest they go home? Ask your boss to intervene? Subtly inch toward an open window? And how do you account for the possibility that they don’t feel they have a choice about being there?
The same awkwardness can occur at home, where a friend arrives for dinner and mentions they’ve felt terrible all day—right after you hugged them hello. Asking them to leave can feel like delivering two uncomfortable messages: You did something wrong, and I don’t want you here, says Vanessa Bohns, a social psychologist at Cornell University and author of Should I Say Something?: The Science of What to Share—and What to Keep to Yourself.
“If you say something to someone and you call them out, in a way you’re judging them,” she says. “It threatens their standing as a good person.” Suggesting they head home can also feel like rejecting them—especially if they showed up because they didn’t want to disappoint you.
Still, Bohns says, “it’s worth saying something.” The key is to make your request clear while reassuring the person that you care about them and would like to see them when they’re feeling better.
Here’s what to say when you’re facing a sick coworker, an ailing dinner guest, or some other ill person who insists they’re absolutely fine.
When a coworker—or your boss—shows up sick
Before deciding what to say, consider what you can realistically offer. Could you take notes for your colleague? Help them join remotely? Reschedule a meeting that depends on their participation? Giving someone a way to bow out with grace can make your request easier to accept, says Jodi R.R. Smith, an etiquette expert in Marblehead, Mass.
“I’m going to take copious notes,” she suggests telling a colleague. Offer to send them afterward so they don’t feel they’ll miss out by heading home.
How you phrase that suggestion depends partly on your role and relationship to them, adds Elaine Swann, an etiquette expert in Carlsbad, Calif. A manager can instruct someone to head home; a peer should frame it as a request. Either way, speak privately or send a quick message instead of calling someone out in front of the room.
Dr. Heidi Torres, an infectious-disease physician and assistant professor of clinical medicine at Weill Cornell Medicine, makes it clear to her colleagues that the office can manage without them: “You stay home, you be guilt free. We are fine. We do not need you to be here.”
If you’re the manager, make sure they know who will handle their workload after they leave. Someone who’s worried about an unfinished project may hear “go home” as “finish it from bed,” says Claire Smith, an occupational health psychologist at the University of South Florida who studies working while sick. Discuss what can wait, who can cover urgent tasks, and whether they’re expected to work at all. Working remotely removes the pressure to show up at the office, but it can leave people feeling they have no reason to take a sick day—even when they feel awful.
Too often, Claire Smith says, employees have to decide whether they’re well enough to work and then figure out what to do about the meeting they’ll miss or the deadline they can’t meet. “It’s not a mutual conversation.”
Of course, going home isn’t always as simple as grabbing your coat. Some people can’t afford to miss a shift; others worry they’ll be penalized for calling out. No carefully worded request can fix a lack of paid sick leave or a strict attendance policy, Claire Smith says. Before assuming someone is being inconsiderate, ask what’s keeping them there. If you can take something off their plate, be specific: “Would it help if I handled the client follow-up so you could head home?” That won’t replace a lost paycheck, but it might ease their worry about leaving work unfinished.
What if the sick person is your boss? Bohns suggests framing your request around a shared work goal, especially if your manager treats pushing through illness as a badge of honor. “One of us should stay healthy for this project,” she suggests saying. You can then ask to join from your desk—making it clear that staying well is part of your commitment to the work.
Ideally, conversations like these should start before anyone gets sick. Torres recommends establishing a coverage plan ahead of cold and flu season, so employees know who will take their shift or handle urgent work. Clear expectations also give coworkers something to point to when someone shows up unwell: You can remind them of the sick policy instead of making it a personal request.
Managers need to follow those expectations themselves. Even a workplace that offers paid time off and backup coverage sends a conflicting message when the boss shows up with a fever. “That policy feels more like decoration,” Torres says. “They have to also follow that and lead by example.”
When a friend or guest arrives feeling awful
Your friend may have dragged themselves to your dinner party because they thought you’d be disappointed if they canceled. Start by relieving that pressure, Bohns suggests: “I’m so sorry you’re feeling so lousy.” Then give them explicit permission to leave: “I hope you didn’t feel obligated to show up. You should definitely go home and rest.”
You can soften the departure by packing up a container of dinner or sending them home with dessert. Before they go, make it clear you still want to see them: “We have to catch up. Let’s reschedule when you’re feeling better,” Bohns suggests.
If they seem inclined to stay, be more direct. “I’m concerned about the rest of the guests,” Swann suggests saying privately. Ask them to call it an early evening, and resist announcing their departure to the group. “Allow the person to leave with dignity,” she says.
If you’re a fellow guest, consider how well you know the person. A close friend might appreciate a whispered suggestion to head home and an offer to help arrange a ride, Jodi Smith says. If you barely know them, pull the host aside instead. Assume they’ve been busy serving dinner and greeting people and haven’t noticed what’s going on. Briefly explain your concern, then add: “I wanted to let you know so that you could handle it in the way that you see fit,” she suggests. Leave the decision to them; you can decide whether you’re comfortable staying.
For your next gathering, Bohns suggests giving guests permission to cancel before anyone even has the sniffles. Tell people upfront that they shouldn’t feel pressure to attend if they’re unwell—and that you’ll invite them again. Someone who’s worried about seeming flaky may need to hear that staying home won’t cost them their place in the group. “It doesn’t mean you’re off the list,” she says. “You’re still going to be invited.”
When they insist it’s “just a cold”
You’ve barely finished suggesting your friend or colleague head home when the reassurance begins: It’s just a cold. They feel fine. They’re definitely not contagious.
Instead of arguing, Bohns suggests a reply that keeps the focus on you: “I’m just being extra careful right now.” Then explain what you’re going to do: “I hope you don’t mind if I stay over here.”
Sharing a little context can help, too. Maybe you’re trying to stay healthy for a big upcoming trip, or you need to avoid bringing an illness home to a family member. Explaining that makes your request feel less like a judgment of their decision to show up, Bohns says.
Those circumstances matter: What’s “just a cold” to one person could be a much bigger deal to someone else, Torres says. The person sitting nearby could be immunocompromised, take care of an elderly parent, or have a baby at home.
At the same time, a cough doesn’t tell you everything. Torres says even she can’t always immediately distinguish allergies from an infection. If leaving isn’t an option, you can put on a mask or open a window to bring in fresh air—without needing to settle what’s making someone cough.
When you’d rather leave
If you’re ready to leave, you don’t have to wait for someone else to make the first move. Even if you’re the only person speaking up, you may not be the only one who’s uncomfortable.
“We can see everyone else’s behavior, but we can’t see their feelings,” Bohns says. Your coworkers or fellow party guests might have the same concerns—and be waiting for someone else to say something.
At work, Swann suggests privately messaging your manager or the meeting organizer to explain your concern and ask whether you can join remotely. That gives you a way to stay involved without spending the rest of the meeting next to someone who’s sick.
At a party, you can simply thank the host and say you need to head out—even if they’re the one who’s under the weather. “Thanks for inviting me. I’ll catch up with you later,” Swann suggests. Keep your goodbye warm and brief, without announcing your reasons to everyone at the table.
“If you don’t want to be around a sick person,” she says, “make the move yourself, and don’t try to get other people involved in it.”
